Maybe sharing some thoughts will ease the ache, give my memories a voice, and help to soothe the desperate depths of sadness that overwhelm me at times.
Summers were "our time". Living over 9 hours apart, I didn't get to see Todd as often as I would have liked. So, when I went home for the summers, we would make the most of our times. There were the random drives that would take us over the quiet roads of our county, through the picturesque turns of Letchworth Park, and passed so many beloved places. We would talk some, but mostly we would sing to the music that was always loud. It was just part of riding with Todd. All the while, our eyes would be peeled, looking for deer. It didn't matter if they had horns or not, we would talk about what they could be- come hunting season.
Then there were the campfires, movies at the Drive-In, and welcome trips to the City. Each memory was special, as I always knew the summer would end and we'd be living so far apart again.
This summer, there will be no new memories. It has been almost 2 months since he has been gone, and I still feel like the loss is fresh, almost as if we are just finding out again. I still want to pick up the phone to call him and tell him stuff. It could be anything that prompts this feeling before I have a chance to catch it and deny its fulfillment. I would have called him last Sunday to tell him about the little, baby deer Kevin and I saw. He was probably less than 24 hours old and was following Kev around, squeaking at him insistently like he wanted some attention. Todd would have liked that story, and been in awe at the pictures. I would have called him two nights ago, to tell him Amos was up a tree, and that we didn't know how in the world to get him out. He would have had an idea, and then would have wanted us to call him back and let us know how we made out. He would have been proud of Kevin for loudly and effectively "scaring" that other cat away, and patiently calling to Amos until the silly cat fell out to the scraggly bushes below. He'd have wanted to meet our new little, silly kitty. I wanted to call today and tell him that I picked some blueberries, some good ones. I would have tried to tell him that if he visited us soon, he might just get to eat some for himself. And then, I'd call him right now, to tell him that I missed him and couldn't wait to come to NY in July to see him.
But I can't call him, I can't see him, and talking to him? Well, sometimes just in my dreams. That is torture though, because when I wake up there is this sensation that we were with him and then it hits me that getting that opportunity this side of Heaven is not possible.
Just because he has left us, doesn't mean that I can make the way he was in my heart and thoughts go away. Sometimes I focus on thoughts of him in Heaven and what he might be doing. I think about how happy he would be, how much fun he would be having, and probably how many kitties he takes care of in Heaven. This helps for awhile, until the ache of missing him becomes too much.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Believe
I BELIEVE God has a plan, even when we don't understand. It was mid-August 2008, and I had just returned from a summer with my family. Teaching gave me the privilege of traveling home every summer and spending the days with my family. That summer had been hard, yet very evidently showcased the provision of God. I was between jobs, and really trying to decide where He wanted me to be. Just as I thought that moving home to New York was my solution, I received a job offer back in Virginia. I was happy to have a job, yet there had been a great amount of excitement to thinking that it might be time to live back home. A few weeks before heading back to Virginia, I had to put my sweet little cat to sleep. As a lover of animals, she was more than just my cat, she was a friend to me, a comfort. Losing her was very sad, and then leaving my family to return to Virginia was always a hard thing.
I found the sudden "alone time" overwhelming every year, yet this year it was the hardest, as I would come home to a truly empty house. I loved my new job, I was very happy to be back with my family in Virginia and my friends, yet there was emptiness.
At times, I couldn't quite understand what God's plan was for me. I couldn't see why being back in Virginia, was truly a better option than starting life over in NY. He had provided a job, and my life was full there, yet I still longed for NY. And in the midst of this, I missed my sweet little cat.
Thankfully, the idea to get a new cat, didn't take too long to come along. I went to Petsmart, and well, she picked me. I went into the cages to hold a cat that looked like a fit for me, but didn't bond at all with that little furball. Another gray, kind of ugly, tiger cat was literal climbing her cage, and "meeowwing" her head off to get my attention. I asked to hold her, because she was so desparate for me to see her. She instantly curled up in my arms, began to purr, and I knew that she was going home with me.
I named her Believe, because she was a reminder of that promise I was clinging to- I believe that God has a plan, even when we don't understand. As I adjusted to my new job and fit back into my life in Virginia, I found great comfort and happiness from my little Believe.
She has been gone for 5 days now, and we are pretty sure that she is not going to be coming back to us. Hours of looking, inquiring of many neighbors, and praying for her safe return have not lead her back to our home. She was a gift in my life, when I needed her the most. She was a constant reminder of God's sovreign plan in our lives.
How can I question even now with her gone, that I BELIEVE God has a plan, even when we don't understand.
I found the sudden "alone time" overwhelming every year, yet this year it was the hardest, as I would come home to a truly empty house. I loved my new job, I was very happy to be back with my family in Virginia and my friends, yet there was emptiness.
At times, I couldn't quite understand what God's plan was for me. I couldn't see why being back in Virginia, was truly a better option than starting life over in NY. He had provided a job, and my life was full there, yet I still longed for NY. And in the midst of this, I missed my sweet little cat.
Thankfully, the idea to get a new cat, didn't take too long to come along. I went to Petsmart, and well, she picked me. I went into the cages to hold a cat that looked like a fit for me, but didn't bond at all with that little furball. Another gray, kind of ugly, tiger cat was literal climbing her cage, and "meeowwing" her head off to get my attention. I asked to hold her, because she was so desparate for me to see her. She instantly curled up in my arms, began to purr, and I knew that she was going home with me.
I named her Believe, because she was a reminder of that promise I was clinging to- I believe that God has a plan, even when we don't understand. As I adjusted to my new job and fit back into my life in Virginia, I found great comfort and happiness from my little Believe.
She has been gone for 5 days now, and we are pretty sure that she is not going to be coming back to us. Hours of looking, inquiring of many neighbors, and praying for her safe return have not lead her back to our home. She was a gift in my life, when I needed her the most. She was a constant reminder of God's sovreign plan in our lives.
How can I question even now with her gone, that I BELIEVE God has a plan, even when we don't understand.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
My Love
He came into my life with a big grin. It was my first impression, and the image is still clearly seen in my mind.
His cousin had described him to me in the early school day rush of a Friday morning. Students were gathering in the rooms around us, jean-clad teachers were smiling that Friday smile, and the Lord sent His messenger to "introduce" me to the man I would soon marry. From her first question- "Do you have a boyfriend?", I knew this conversation was going to be a good one. She went on to describe to me her cousin, Kevin. Multiple endearing descriptions were punctuated by one final thought- "Oh, and he has red hair. Is that a problem?" It wasn't.
Never in a whisper of my mind, could I have imagined there would be a man who would fit with me so perfectly. From our first weekend of meeting, I knew that he was the man that I had waited my whole life to know. He had the kindest eyes, and the most thoughtful way of listening to the conversations around him. I found him to be sincere, easily taken to laughing, and he had clearly been blessed with a big heart. His earnest desire to love the Lord, seek to do His will, and the way he was choosing to live out his life captured my heart.
It was a few months later, as I saw Kevin teaching a class on apple pruning, that love entered my heart in a soft and gentle way. I saw him thoughtfully instruct, knowledgably answer questions, and truly care to see that those people learned a new trade that day. The very next day, I was able to sit under his speaking, in a small church where he regularly helps to fill the pulpit. I saw God speaking through Him that day, and I saw a man committed to the same love for our Lord that I was.
One weekend's meeting had turned into phone calls, and eventually visits across the 3 hours distance that separated us. Eight months later, as we were standing before our loved families and friends, directly in the middle of God's call on our lives, we committed ourselves to each other in marriage. It was the most wondrous fulfillment of years of prayers and pleas to the Lord to make me who He needed me to be, so I could someday be the wife He wanted me to be.
He daily continues to answer that prayer in our life here, with the country always calling to us.
His cousin had described him to me in the early school day rush of a Friday morning. Students were gathering in the rooms around us, jean-clad teachers were smiling that Friday smile, and the Lord sent His messenger to "introduce" me to the man I would soon marry. From her first question- "Do you have a boyfriend?", I knew this conversation was going to be a good one. She went on to describe to me her cousin, Kevin. Multiple endearing descriptions were punctuated by one final thought- "Oh, and he has red hair. Is that a problem?" It wasn't.
Never in a whisper of my mind, could I have imagined there would be a man who would fit with me so perfectly. From our first weekend of meeting, I knew that he was the man that I had waited my whole life to know. He had the kindest eyes, and the most thoughtful way of listening to the conversations around him. I found him to be sincere, easily taken to laughing, and he had clearly been blessed with a big heart. His earnest desire to love the Lord, seek to do His will, and the way he was choosing to live out his life captured my heart.
It was a few months later, as I saw Kevin teaching a class on apple pruning, that love entered my heart in a soft and gentle way. I saw him thoughtfully instruct, knowledgably answer questions, and truly care to see that those people learned a new trade that day. The very next day, I was able to sit under his speaking, in a small church where he regularly helps to fill the pulpit. I saw God speaking through Him that day, and I saw a man committed to the same love for our Lord that I was.
One weekend's meeting had turned into phone calls, and eventually visits across the 3 hours distance that separated us. Eight months later, as we were standing before our loved families and friends, directly in the middle of God's call on our lives, we committed ourselves to each other in marriage. It was the most wondrous fulfillment of years of prayers and pleas to the Lord to make me who He needed me to be, so I could someday be the wife He wanted me to be.
He daily continues to answer that prayer in our life here, with the country always calling to us.
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