Sharing thoughts has always been helpful to me. I value deeply those that listen intensely and make the time to hear the heart struggles of others. Writing these thoughts has been a new venue. I wrote for so long, not sure if it was time to share with anyone else. When it was time to "let the world know", as facebook is so helpful in facilitating, I did so with trepidation. My expectations were in check, my motives were hopefully right, and I just trusted that maybe God could do something with it all.
Responses brought tears to my eyes, and made my heart so full. Thank you to those of you who took moments to share your stories, your sympathy, and your encouragement. I cannot figure out how to adequately thank you for helping me march through that six months of loss milestone with heartfelt love.
Simply, thank you, and if you find help or encouragement in anything else you read, may it be a blessing to your hearts and truly God's words through my fingers.
Friday, October 28, 2011
3 Words
It had been weeks since I had returned home to Kevin. In God's goodness, I was able to stay as long as possible with Mom and Dad before we all headed back to try to live the lives that had gone on amidst our sorrow. Now, I was home, with my beloved husband, so thankful to be with him and torn by the pain of what I had left behind forever. It was hard to be back. Things are so different in a place where you are still "new", and so brutally scarred by heartache. Home was safe. Any departure from our home required a deep breath of gumption and intense concentration to steal against the onslaught of emotions I couldn't control in an environment I couldn't possibly predict.
I learned quickly that the, "I am so sorry. How are you doing?" comments that had been part of our daily survival in NY, would not be heard. It is different. I ached to be acknowledged for the pain. Pain that I couldn't see past, look around, or barely push aside long enough to have eyes unswollen by tears. I held to the thought that if my grief wasn't acknowledged, then surely I couldn't share what was happening inside. This was a horrible spot to be in. I longed to talk about Todd. I yearned to put into words the emotions that were swallowing me alive.
Into this ugly place in heart, God sent a friend. One morning, with my heart steeled to survive the hours away from our house, I was taking care of errands. A dear heart, upon seeing me for the first time after knowing we had lost Todd, spoke the words that brought an abundance of comfort and a measure of healing...
"Oh, Tara, I am so sorry." I burst into tears, nodding, and saying thank you over and over again. Thanking her for expressing this sympathy. The only person who had in weeks of my being back. She was concerned and upset that she had made me cry. In the midst of my tears, I hurried to urge her that her words didn't hurt me more. That I was crying because she had acknowledge my grief, and that I saw in her actions a blessing so abundant. We cried together. She hurt with me. She shared from her life. I shared from mine. We laid the burdens of sorrow at each other's feet.
The power of three words. I am sorry. So often I have thought, but I don't know what to say. There is nothing right, pefect, or profound when you face someone who has buried their greatest hopes and dreams for a loved one. Nevertheless, there is still something that can be said. I am sorry. If trying to not upset them, and choosing to keep silent is an often used choice, please consider that there is something better. A grieving person hurts, aches, and has a troubled heart at all moments. Nothing changes that. Your words- I am sorry, might be the blessing in the crevices of torture. It might be the one moment that they can return to again and again, knowing that you cared. That you cared enough to put yourself out there to offer sympathy. They might need that knowledge to cling to on a dark day. I did, have, and will again. Only 3 words, yet more powerful than any might know when speaking them.
I learned quickly that the, "I am so sorry. How are you doing?" comments that had been part of our daily survival in NY, would not be heard. It is different. I ached to be acknowledged for the pain. Pain that I couldn't see past, look around, or barely push aside long enough to have eyes unswollen by tears. I held to the thought that if my grief wasn't acknowledged, then surely I couldn't share what was happening inside. This was a horrible spot to be in. I longed to talk about Todd. I yearned to put into words the emotions that were swallowing me alive.
Into this ugly place in heart, God sent a friend. One morning, with my heart steeled to survive the hours away from our house, I was taking care of errands. A dear heart, upon seeing me for the first time after knowing we had lost Todd, spoke the words that brought an abundance of comfort and a measure of healing...
"Oh, Tara, I am so sorry." I burst into tears, nodding, and saying thank you over and over again. Thanking her for expressing this sympathy. The only person who had in weeks of my being back. She was concerned and upset that she had made me cry. In the midst of my tears, I hurried to urge her that her words didn't hurt me more. That I was crying because she had acknowledge my grief, and that I saw in her actions a blessing so abundant. We cried together. She hurt with me. She shared from her life. I shared from mine. We laid the burdens of sorrow at each other's feet.
The power of three words. I am sorry. So often I have thought, but I don't know what to say. There is nothing right, pefect, or profound when you face someone who has buried their greatest hopes and dreams for a loved one. Nevertheless, there is still something that can be said. I am sorry. If trying to not upset them, and choosing to keep silent is an often used choice, please consider that there is something better. A grieving person hurts, aches, and has a troubled heart at all moments. Nothing changes that. Your words- I am sorry, might be the blessing in the crevices of torture. It might be the one moment that they can return to again and again, knowing that you cared. That you cared enough to put yourself out there to offer sympathy. They might need that knowledge to cling to on a dark day. I did, have, and will again. Only 3 words, yet more powerful than any might know when speaking them.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Loving
When you lose someone you love intensely, you learn to grasp every moment, memory with a tight fisted grip. I didn't know that my last texts from Todd, would be the ones that I will cherish forever. I didn't know that last conversation would be the deepest memory of his voice I hold in my heart. I didn't know that those pictures from Christmas would become the image I hold forever in my mind's eye. Thankfully, the Lord gave us those moments, and I have them forever in my heart.
We don't know when our last moments with our loved ones will come. Our loss has caused me to count each moment even more precious. Some days I just work 2 floors above Kevin's office, yet I impress his grinning face into my mind as we part in the morning. I want to have those "last" moments, be right moments.
If you love deeply, tell that person, show that person. Take the times you have to fill them with goodness. I know that life isn't perfect, and there are days when frustrations and anger overtake our hearts. I also know that we are not promised more memories. We have the ones we are creating now. Some day those will be the last.
We don't know when our last moments with our loved ones will come. Our loss has caused me to count each moment even more precious. Some days I just work 2 floors above Kevin's office, yet I impress his grinning face into my mind as we part in the morning. I want to have those "last" moments, be right moments.
If you love deeply, tell that person, show that person. Take the times you have to fill them with goodness. I know that life isn't perfect, and there are days when frustrations and anger overtake our hearts. I also know that we are not promised more memories. We have the ones we are creating now. Some day those will be the last.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Message from John
Kevin spoke yesterday at a little church where he fills the pulpit from time to time. He shared from the passage in Scripture, I John 3:17, 18~
But whosoever hath this world's good, and seeth his brother have need, and shutteth up his compassions from him, how dwelleth the love of God in him?
My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue, but in deed and in truth.
I listened with ears that heard this message in a whole new light. The Lord tells each of us how to help people who are in need. Simply, if you have something, which someone needs, share it. This "something" could be provisions, money, your time, your care in the form of a listening ear, or your love in a hug with the question what can I do to help you? or I am here standing beside you through this ache. God says that if we don't share this, then how does His love dwell inside of us?
I think v. 18 stuck even more. Let us not just love in word or in tongue- maybe this means doing a little more than giving out the standard, I will pray for you. Maybe it means to sit down beside the person, take their hand in ours, ask them how we can pray for them and then praying at that very moment. Then within a day or two, we pick up the phone to call and see if we can come and visit and continue to love them in deed and action.
We each have gifts that were given to us by the Lord. He wants us to use them, and I believe that He gives many opportunities, if only we look around and see those that have need. How can we "hold back" something that might mean everything to the person with whom it is shared. Let us, let God, use us to bless the hurting around us.
But whosoever hath this world's good, and seeth his brother have need, and shutteth up his compassions from him, how dwelleth the love of God in him?
My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue, but in deed and in truth.
I listened with ears that heard this message in a whole new light. The Lord tells each of us how to help people who are in need. Simply, if you have something, which someone needs, share it. This "something" could be provisions, money, your time, your care in the form of a listening ear, or your love in a hug with the question what can I do to help you? or I am here standing beside you through this ache. God says that if we don't share this, then how does His love dwell inside of us?
I think v. 18 stuck even more. Let us not just love in word or in tongue- maybe this means doing a little more than giving out the standard, I will pray for you. Maybe it means to sit down beside the person, take their hand in ours, ask them how we can pray for them and then praying at that very moment. Then within a day or two, we pick up the phone to call and see if we can come and visit and continue to love them in deed and action.
We each have gifts that were given to us by the Lord. He wants us to use them, and I believe that He gives many opportunities, if only we look around and see those that have need. How can we "hold back" something that might mean everything to the person with whom it is shared. Let us, let God, use us to bless the hurting around us.
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